Kinky Relationship Foundation: Respect

I recently got an email from a really worried individual who was trying to get their head around power exchange in kinky relationships, the risks associated with it, and what might happen if people got into one, found it wasn’t for them, and then found their wishes or attempts at communicating or re-negotiating were completely ignored.

This individual was super worried about it, and was looking for some kind of advice and reassurance about what was okay and what wasn’t, and whether people respect each other as people, even in power exchange.

My overall impression was that they were looking for reassurance that respect could exist even when one person was handed lots of power, and the other entered into a submissive role.

The short answer is: yes, it absolutely can. That should be the goal.

The long answer is below.

How and Why Respect Is Just As Important In Kinky Relationships and Dynamics

Humans have quite a number of basic, fundamental needs, in order to thrive and live good and happy lives.

Respect is a fundamental for any healthy and satisfying relationship. Literally any of them. Which of course means it’s true for kink relationships.

Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. Some times are more stressful than others. Attraction waxes and wanes, and so does chemistry, and so does love.

Sometimes we’re much better at communicating, and sometimes, communication drops off. And then we pick it up again.

When you have a really great foundation of respect for each other, for each other’s capabilities, opinions, values and beliefs, and you’re consistently demonstrating that, then you’ve got something solid that’s going to support every other part of your relationship, and make it much easier to bounce back.

And yes, this does include bouncing back from kink mishaps.

But when there’s a really clear impression that someone in the relationship isn’t respected by the other, that can be really hard to recover from. It’s the kind of thing which sticks with you, and leaves you feeling troubled and rather unhappy, even as you try to make things work.

Solid, demonstrated respect is something I’ve seen in every healthy looking connection that I’ve come across. Both parties respect the hell out of each other, while often at the same time keep up a healthy, sassy banter.

Sadly, a lot of people don’t quite seem to get that fundamental requirement, and make the unfortunately very common mistake of looking to get their own needs and wants met, and forgetting or not giving a damn about those of the other person… which will often end up resulting in someone feeling like the benefits are very one sided, and feeling unhappy.

I’ve known tops or Dom’s who felt like they were being used as “BDSM vending machines”, with no interest in the rest of their personality and self, and I’ve known bottoms and subs who felt like they were being thought of as a sex toy, rather than as a real person.

This sort of thing tends to happen whenever you have someone who’s more interested in instant gratification than in actually enjoying a mutual connection.

That person can be a top or a bottom, but what they have in common is that they don’t have much respect for the other person, their needs and wants. They’re usually too busy pursuing their own pleasures.

What Does That Lack Of Respect Look Like?

Here are some examples.

• You start to notice that the other person’s communications are often more about them and about their opinions, needs and wants, than about expressing an interest in what you think and need and want.
• You start a relationship or connection, and quickly gain the impression that your partner wants to change you or “fix you” to suit their ideas of what you “should” be like.
• The other person may be very interested in all the sexy and kinky things you’ve done or could do, but you notice them turning off or tuning out when it comes to your other interests and parts of your life.
• Over time, you develop a strong impression that your needs and wants are not as “important” as theirs. There’s a strong implication that you should be looking after their needs, without them needing to support you (again, this can happen to either tops/Doms, or bottoms/subs).
• a strong, consistent sense of “I don’t care” from one partner, when the other partner attempts to communicate things that are important to them.
• certain phrases are used rather frequently, which include “That’s ridiculous” “you’re being silly” “you’re over-reacting” “that shouldn’t bother you” “Why can’t you just be like X?” or “true (whatever’s) wouldn’t ask that question”. You’ll notice an experience of being made to feel smaller, and not good enough.
• when asked to do something you’re uncomfortable with, and you express that discomfort, being told that you’re not looking after the other person’s needs, and you’re a bad sub/dom/partner/whatever.

So yeah, lack of respect can show in all kinds of different ways, and the ones I’ve listed just barely scrape the surface.

Sometimes, It’s Inexperience

Sometimes, you get high risk situations for this kind of thing simply because people are exploring power exchange for the first time, and they haven’t quite figured out how to do this in a healthy and respectful way.

One useful way of navigating this is to negotiate and discuss which behaviors are hot “in scene”, but which are best not undertaken outside of scene in the more everyday part of life.

Yes, we do lots of kinky things which are often degrading and seemingly disrespectful in the heat of a bedroom moment, or a scene moment. You wouldn’t believe some of the fucked up shit that comes out of my mouth during hot kinky bedroom times… or the way my partner responds to it.

But outside of that, if I were to do or say those things out of scene, or too frequently, it might really impact negatively on the other person. So establishing which behaviors are like that for each person is a really useful thing to do, and shows respect for the other person’s wellbeing and boundaries.

So, a really useful kind of question might be “What do you enjoy happening within a scene, that you don’t like or wouldn’t want to see outside of a scene? What do you need to be different, and why?”

So What Does Healthy Respect Look Like?

Here are some examples:

• Outside of scene, each notice the other person using manners when they would like something to happen, or something to be different. Requests, as opposed to demands.
• There’s appreciation expressed. Tops get thanked for all the hot things they do. Submissives get thanked for their acts of service.
• When someone makes it clear they have a boundary, a behavior that they won’t do or something they won’t tolerate being done to them, the other person makes a point of staying clear of that, without trying to subvert it or apply pressure.

• Each partner makes a point of trying to communicate and take each other’s wishes, comfort and needs into account; whilst still maintaining their own boundaries, as well.
• There’s a lot of tactful honesty, especially during difficult conversations.
• When one person has an issue with something that’s occurring in a power dynamic, the other person is willing to listen and consider how things can be reworked, or even if the power dynamic needs to be ended for the health of both parties.
• When you think about it, you notice that you respect each other’s opinions, and seek them out often. There are times when you’re really surprised by what the other person says, and sometimes you don’t end up agreeing, but you’re willing to think about it; because you respect the person that that opinion is coming from.
• Each make a point of not swooping in to solve each other’s partner’s problems without being asked. Instead, there’s a simple question; “How would you like to be supported with(whatever difficulty it might be)?”
• Each are willing to call the other out on something they’re doing which is unhelpful or harmful – but doing it in a respectful, tactful way. “I’ve noticed that you sometimes do XYZ; I’m a bit worried that there might be some unintended harmful effects of XYZ. Can we talk about that?”

No matter who they are, or what dynamic they’re in, people need to feel respected for who they are.

We’re with our partners because we admire them. We think they’re smart, funny, attractive, and into us. And there’s always something about them which is worth of admiring. They may be intelligent, or great with money. They may be very deliberately kind, and considerate. They may try to do good things for others, or for their community.

And they may be SUPER awesome when it comes to receiving a good face fucking, or knowing exactly what filthy phrases to whisper into our ears at just the right time.

When I ask my pet to do something outside of scene, for myself, I phrase it as a request. We both know we’re into power exchange, and we both know who has which role…

But we also both know that it’s important to us both to feel respected, and to show respect for the other. So I’ll politely ask her to do something for me, and she’ll usually honor the request and do it, because she really values those acts of service, and so do I.

And then I’ll thank her for it; because it’s important to me to acknowledge it, and not take it for granted. And she freaking glows. It’s cute as all hell.

And sometimes I’ll have a thoughtless moment, and fuck up my phrasing in a disrespectful way – and then you better believe I’ll get the raised eyebrows and the “excuse me??” look.

Do I get upset when I get that look?

Fuck no. I respect her even more for having good boundaries, and I appreciate the reminder.

I’m not interested in being a disrespectful asshole. I’m interested in growing, being a better person, and making damn sure my partner feels respected and appreciated. So that look?

I appreciate the hell out of that look.

Especially once I get over the initial embarrassment of “oh fuck, I forgot to phrase that as a request”.

Also, healthy boundaries are sexy as hell, so I’m a little turned on when she does do that.

Mistakes do happen, and we learn from those. Respect is also demonstrated when we work to learn from that mistake, and do it better next time.

None of us are perfect – which is good, because honestly, perfection is a bit creepy, and not particularly human of us.

Being flawed, and sexy with it, is way more fun.

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