Today I’m discussing consensual non-consent, because that’s been coming up a lot in my relationship of late. This post will contain lots of trigger words and ideas, including rape; actually, lots of that; so if you’ve had a bad experience, it’s likely to be like a punch in the face. Think twice before clicking; for some of you it might not be wise. Continue at your own risk.
A few hours after writing this post, I’m going to be doing a consensual non-consent scene. It will be dark and brutal and intimidating. I’m going to act out a violent rape with Blue, my hot as fuck partner, while she protests and begs me not to. She may scream and cry and beg me not to do it. In fact, I’ll be very surprised if she doesn’t. I’m going to act violent and savage as hell – in fact, I’m going to literally hold her at knife point to make her do whatever the hell I want.
The power imbalance will be extreme. A large well muscled man taking advantage of a beautiful petite woman, who has zero chance at resisting me successfully. Her mouth covered in my leather gloved hand, struggling beneath me while I ignore said struggles and use her body however I like. I’m going to treat her like a captive piece of meat, with no value but for what pleasure I can have with her body.
I might even do it twice, if I feel in the mood. I probably will.
Now, because I’m a really nice and helpful guy, I’m going to walk you through the process so that you can do it too if you want!
But not with Blue. Find your own victim! She’s not an any and all predators kind of girl.
Everything I suggest here has been literally tested and made use of by me, to great success. It may not work for everyone. But there is quite a bit of thought, planning and testing in the ideas I’ll use, so the odds are very much in your favor.
First Point: What Is Consensual Non-Consent?
Answer; basically, it’s about pretend rape and forcing people to do things that they pretend they don’t want to do, or doing things to them that they vociferously protest against, but are actually fine or in favor of.
I’m not pulling any punches here. All of my word choices are deliberately blunt. Consensual non-consent is the really nice and quite cleverly inclusive way of saying exactly that it’s a rape or violence role play (violence being inherently non-consensual, by definition).
The reason why I’m not pulling any punches is that it’s important to realize that this is exactly what we’re pretending to do. If you go in with any blinders, it will make life difficult for you, because you won’t be prepared. This stuff gets dark and nasty.
It’s Often Harder Than You’d Think
I’m not going to lie; I’ve had a LOT of difficulty with this. Other people may find it easier. But for me, it’s been a hell of a learning curve.
I like to think that I was raised with pretty feminist values. I didn’t think about it that way – for me, I’ve always been an “equal rights” or “equal partners” kind of a guy. But it basically comes down to the same thing. I’m all about respecting the rights of everyone as being equal and the same, women and men.
I realize that I have shit loads of privilege, and I try to make the best use of it possible, by using it persuasively in writing or role modelling good behavior. I respect women the same way I do anyone else, and I wouldn’t have dreamed of committing violence against women. It’s just… it’s not what you do, all right? It’s repugnant. Urgh. Gross.
(That’s not to say I haven’t done my own dumb shit… raising my voice, yelling, breaking stuff when I was young and dumb… but generally I’ve either had someone point out to me what I was doing, or I’ve called myself out on it and then changed my ways, and thank fuck for that.)
It’s for this reason that D/s and rough sex were interesting learning curves; because here’s this hetero middle class white male (me) setting rules and boundaries for his female under- privileged partner.
Yeah – that lead to a lot of cognitive dissonance right there.
And then you have pretend rape. Then you have people actually saying “no, please, don’t do that…” and crying, and screaming, and it all sounds very real, and looks very real…
And that did not make me hard at all.
Which is probably to the good, at least to begin with. Shows I have the right values.
But here’s the other thing.
People, men and women and whatever gender you identify with… they get turned on as fuck by all of this. They actually fantasize about it. They love the idea.
“By all means, kidnap me, tie me up and rape the shit out of me. That would be so hot.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck???! thought my younger self in response to this.
Thinking It Through; Acting Like A Monster And Enjoying It
So how is this a thing? How do I reconcile all this? How can I be comfortable with these seemingly really violent creepy acts that simulate things I freaking hate and despise?
How can I even call myself a feminist or a person who believes in equal rights if I do this?
The answer is actually pretty simple.
If a woman wants to do this kind of thing, and it’s not self harm by proxy (which is a topic I’ll get into another time) and I’m okay with doing it, then it’s totally fine.
If a woman has equal rights in real life and in the relationship she’s in, and she and her partner agree that it’ll be fun, then she’s totally able to simulate being raped if she likes. If that does it for her, cool. A woman can do whatever the fuck she likes if she has the capacity, it’s legal, and she’s negotiating from an empowered position.
That’s the thing. The consent is there; in fact, the enthusiastic consent and fantasizing about it is there, which means Blue doesn’t just agree… she badly wants me to do it. She is SO keen. This particular scenario has been a fantasy for her for a long, long time.
Since I’m able to get my head around it, and remind myself that it’s role play and not the real thing… in fact, if I remind myself that what we’re doing is exploring our freedom to play with really taboo things on an equal rights basis and actually celebrate that while I’m doing it… yeah. It’s absolutely fine. Same solution goes for D/s and rough sex.
With this, I have the opportunity to learn a fun new kind of play that can spice up our love life in some very interesting ways. So why not?
As for the why it’s hot… it seems to come down to what I just mentioned. People want to do it BECAUSE it’s taboo. It’s fucked up. It violently conflicts with their actual values, and in some strange perverse way, it turns them on. I’m a bit like that myself… the more I’m not supposed to like something, the more I tend to get into it, once I get past the learning curve. Are people supposed to like consensual non-consent? I’ll leave that to you to answer.
Of course, that still doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll get hard right away. Of if you’re reading this and you want to do it and you’re biologically female, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get wet.
This is where some nifty mental hacks come in.
Preparing Yourself To Violate The Shit Out Of Your Partner
There’s a big learning curve to consensual non-consent. For many of us, it doesn’t come naturally, at all. Again, this is probably a good thing – and for those to whom it does come naturally, life is much easier for them when it comes to learning this.
Here are two simple principles which have worked really, really well for me.
1. Start small.
A little bit at a time, rather than the full experience. Maybe some verbal “no, no” while at the same time, your partner’s body is going “yes, yes!”. This can be quite effective in starting your mental reprogramming. After a couple of experiences of this, add in some light struggling. You may find this puts you off – I know I did – but again, after one or two experiences, my confidence that my partner was having a great time went up and it became part of the turn on.
Just gradually work up to the more intense stuff, over a number of play sessions.
A few years ago I did some psychology study. It was a good time, and I learned a lot. And I also learned some of the most awesome life hacks of all time; classical and operant conditioning. In this instance, I’m thinking of this process as classical conditioning, because I think arousal is more of an involuntary response; although it could be argued that operant conditioning is taking place here as well.
The short version is:
When you add something the body really enjoys to something else, whether it’s a word, action, sensation, whatever, you create an automatic association. You typically have to do it a few times for it to take. So you have your basic neutral or even uncomfortable action ( in this case pretend rape) and then you follow it up with something the body finds intensely pleasurable, like a reward.
The first couple times I tried consensual non-consent, as I said earlier, I didn’t get hard at all.
I would either have oral sex performed on me, or have hot sex afterwards anyway. Often both (I’m a smug bastard).
Hot sex and orgasms work really well as rewards or reinforcers in a conditioning process.
Another conditioning trick that helps is reading non-consent stories on Literotica while you “condition” yourself. That’s also a good way to do research on particular non-consent fantasies. They tell you the fantasy, you go “… I might need to think about that” and then go away and do a little research to understand it better. Then come back and say “ahem, yep, I’ve “thought” about that and I think it will be a good time.”
These two ideas combined; gradual ramping up and conditioning; are very effective.
How Should You Violate Your Partner?
Actually understanding what your partner wants in their role play scene is very helpful.
Below is a screenshot of what I got when I asked Blue for ideas about what she wanted. There was a bit more to it than just that… a few hard limits, things she absolutely did not want, etc. I have more thoughts on negotiation here if you want more information on that sort of thing.
As you can see, I now have a clear outline of how she wants to be treated.
I then proceeded to plan from there, adding my own creative turn to things, the sort of things I knew we would both enjoy. We decided to veto me actually following her from the bus… last thing we wanted was the police turning up because a well-intentioned neighbor noticed the scary, predatory man following the petite young woman down the street.
Here’s some of my planning process; you may find these ideas helpful yourself (I‘m deliberately setting the “publish” time for this post for after the scene so that Blue doesn’t get any spoilers. Might ruin the fun).
Planning is valuable. Especially planning for what might go wrong. I’ve always thought that, and I’ve had that belief reaffirmed recently, both through my own mishaps and the mishaps of other people. While the events may not happen exactly as you planned, the planning for what might go wrong is SO important.
You’ll notice I planned to use duct tape this time, instead of rope. That’s a little unusual for me – but the theory is that the wider spread of pressure over the wrists will be safer and it may be more in keeping with a “burglar” fantasy. I’m really looking forward to seeing how that works out. When in doubt, trim down risk. Keep your partner intact, so that you can violate her again another time!
It’s very likely that in any struggling scene like this, there will be light abrasions, bruises, etc. Hence the first aid kit for just in case. It’s probably not going to go as according to plan as I might like. We might get interrupted. She might act so skillfully that I lose all my careful conditioning… but probably not, because I’m really really attracted to her, and we’ve done stuff like this a few times. All kinds of things might go wrong… but it won’t be because of lack of preparation.
This is what I’m going to wear on my face:
I’d be plenty scared if I saw someone coming at me with that on and a knife in their hand. Wouldn’t you?
Oh, and VERY IMPORTANT if you live with other people, for example if you’re flatting, it’s very important to warn them ahead of time. You might need to be a lot more tactful about it than I was.
Quote, “hey guys, you might see a tall guy dressed in black and wearing a balaclava in the flat tonight. You may also hear screams coming from my room. Don’t call the police, it’s just me raping the shit out of Blue.”
If your flatmates are anything like mine, and understand your ways, they’ll think it’s adorable. They might even develop giant perverted grins on their faces.
If they’re not… well, use your judgement. I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Pro-tips for execution (of the plan, not your partner. Don’t do that.)
– be scary; fear is a great control mechanism.
– get into role
– have really good threats or coercion planned
– hair is a very convenient handle
– ears make for very good leverage
– watch out for elbows and teeth. You’d be surprised how often victims bite.
– headlocks are useful on occasion
– use a knife with a short blade, so you have better control of where it is at all times. I would advise considering a blunt blade, and if you press it against their skin for additional “motivation” be sure you’ve tested how hard you can press on your own skin first. I know a guy who uses plastic but very realistic looking knives for this sort of thing.
– remember to check your environmental hazards. Tidy away the dangerous things or anything you might trip on!
Here’s for having a fun night!
Pete’s Post Play Update
So that went really, really well. I was waiting in the house in my flatmates room before Blue arrived, all dressed in black and well prepared.
My flatmates told Blue that I was out… She knew what was supposed to happen but not when. I received regular reports from people in the flat via text of just how freaked out and nervous she was (which was funny, considering it was her fantasy). I chuckled.
Everything went surprisingly according to plan; but one thing I did find was that wearing a mask (or balaclava) during this kind of play makes it very, very easy to get into character, and lets all those really dark ideas have a voice. One hell of a dark, sinister voice.
My “burglar character” said some very dark and messed up things, and poor Blue was absolutely terrified. Fortunately she managed to make him happy enough that he went away… after having quite a bit of sinister fun with her.
She did indeed get raped twice. While crying. What a monster that burglar was!
And then her much more pleasant boyfriend Pete Riggs came into the room wearing a white t-shirt and found her chewing on the duct tape that was still around her wrists. Oh, that poor girl. Whatever did that bad man do to you?
A note: it turns out that the duct tape was more like wide electrical PVC tape, and that stretches and thins under force and struggling, reducing your margin of safety. It’s still very useable, but you might want to keep an eye on how much force goes into it.
Blue’s Post Play Update
I found it very easy to get into the headspace due to the mask, but that shit is not for beginners and will seriously fuck with your head in some very unexpected ways. It ensured i was completely buying in, which means you get thoughts like “bite his dick off” when that’s obviously not the way to go. As well as mild disassociation and having a very difficult time returning to normal clarity. In fact i think it took Friday night through to waking up on Sunday and some VERY intimate and passionate sex Saturday night to return to baseline. The little touches like seeing if my jewelry was worth anything etc etc were very effective at setting the scene.
The build up drove me crazy! I didn’t know where you were so i hadn’t even greeted you or anything when the scene started.
There were some points when the panic almost got to me and instead of accepting and sobbing it out, it started to feel a bit too real, but listening to your voice and seeing your eyes helped A LOT to bring me back to being ok. I will NEVER DO A SCENE LIKE THAT WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SEE YOUR EYES! I found it really important to just know that if i did start to freak out that i could look up and still see the person I love and trust under that skull mask xxx
Safety Notes to readers from Blue:
Remember it’s an ordeal, this isn’t normal sex or play. You are putting your mind and body in a state of genuine fight or flight panic, you might even go into shock depending on what you’re doing and for how long. This isn’t just dopamine to mask pain, this is cortisol and adrenaline and things that will alter your brain chemistry if you do it often enough. I’ve recently spoken to my professor about almost exactly this in regards to mice but is completely applicable to mammals of any sort; DO NOT DO THIS AFTER LATE SECOND TRIMESTER OF PREGNANCY! These hormones actually affect the development of the fetus.
Processing is as important here as it is with any other of the most extreme edge play. If you don’t process you may find yourself dropping very hard or actually end up developing The Blues, not to mention your relationship with your Top could very well be damaged. Start light!
Back To Pete:
I’m actually really enjoying writing about things other than rope bondage right at the moment; it’s fun to delve into the other fun stuff I get up to as well. I hope you guys are enjoying these other BDSM tidbits!