There are two reasons why I wrote this particular post.
1. The first is for myself. I think it’s really important to know why I do what I do; what I like about it, what I love about it. I think being able to articulate why I do this stuff – why I like to tie people – is really important in keeping myself motivated in learning more, and also in keeping my focus where it should be – having a really hot time with someone I want to have a hot time with.
2. The second is for you guys! For people who are interested in learning, and for people who just don’t understand why one person would want to tie another up, and what we get out of it.
So this post is for people who enjoy being tied, too. People who might like to know what it’s like on the other side of the rope.
So, where to begin?
This is actually a little bit embarrassing.Maybe a lot embarrassing.
The whole reason I got into rope bondage in the first place…
… was male competition.
The woman I was involved with at the time asked me to tie her up.I was a bit taken aback by this, as I had no idea about such things. But she was really enthusiastic about it. She was really hoping I would do it. So I gave it a try… and I failed miserably.
And you know what? I might have given up on it right then.
Except after that, she talked one too many times about how her ex had been good at it, and it was a shame that I wasn’t, but you know, it was okay. She understood, she said.
This caused a fairly predictable reaction.
“Fuck that guy!” I thought. No freaking way was I going to be compared to an ex and come up short. Not going to happen.
So I got determined. I was going to do this. I was going to study up and learn ALL THE THINGS! I was going to kick that guy’s ass! She would be in awe of my amazing skills and we would have the hottest time ever.
So yeah, initially, it was straight up male competition. Not my proudest admission, but that was it. I didn’t want to be in a situation where my partner was thinking about her ex longingly because he had skills I didn’t have.
Fuck that guy! I could pick up skills. I could learn things! He wasn’t better than me! Grr!
So I studied. I read books. I watched videos. I practiced and practiced. And I didn’t tell her what I was doing.
It was a secret, you see. I wanted to surprise her and wipe that comparison from her mind forever. I might not have gotten the appeal of rope, or of bondage, but I definitely didn’t want to be behind her ex in her thoughts.
Seriously, fuck that guy!
So one day, I set up a romantic date. Dinner, honey wine, a “quiet night in” and rope.
She was pleasantly surprised, and went with it.
And then came the single, defining moment that changed rope for me forever. The moment I finally clicked to the point of tying someone up.
I tied her up; we played a little, she struggled in the rope, she looked up at me; and the look in her eyes was intense as hell. It was the kind of intensity you get with really hot, animalistic, I-haven’t-seen-you-in-weeks-and-I-really-fucking-need-you sex.
So freaking hot!
I’m a fan of intimate intensity. That magic that two people can make together, erotic and hot and fucking connected with so many unspoken things. It’s one of my favorite things.
So when she looked at me that way? I realized I’d found another means of making that happen.
Forget male competition; forget the ex; I wanted more of THAT. That hotness, that intensity. That amazing passion that she showed in that moment.
I wanted to make that happen a whole lot more.
That was the first thing that really got me interested in rope bondage.
My lesson that day? That the restraint of rope can really, really intensify everything that comes after. There’s something about the power imbalance it creates… the person in the rope is now subject to the person outside the rope, and that creates a really intense situation. Trust, fear, not knowing what the other person (me) is going to do, or knowing what I’m going to do and anticipating it… I really enjoy that. I love the way people in my rope react to me. The intense connection that it builds.
Now that I had finally seen the point, I kept on going. Over the weeks and months to come, I practiced, I learned from the Internet, I devoured knowledge on rope and rope bondage wherever I could find it.
And I learned quite a few things about rope and rope bondage that make life all kinds of interesting.
As I learned more, I also learned:
- that combining rope and sexy women made for a fucking attractive mix. Someone tied into a good looking karada, or tortoiseshell harness, can look super hot. I think a lot of what creates that hotness is the way it’s making them feel… bound, naughty, sexy as all hell, and that shows in the way they move and look at you. Mmph.
- that mastering the skill of rope and using it to tie was really satisfying. At first it was mysterious and terrifying, a kind of kinesthetic learning I’d never done. But now, I like it. Learning to do new and more awesome things with rope excites me and brings me a great level of satisfaction. I have taken the terrifying rope, dominated the hell out of it, and used it to create awesome times with others.
Ha! Take that, rope!
- I’ve learned that you can share intimacy through rope; even if it isn’t sexual, it’s still connective as well. A hug is intimate. Someone playing with your hair is intimate. And tying someone up, having that level of trust, sliding rope over their skin, is intimate as all hell. You have a lot of physical closeness and contact there too… I recently tied and was tied by someone I do not believe I’ll ever have a sexual vibe with, but there was definitely intimacy. There was closeness, and trust, and connection. It was a really, really nice few hours.
- And I’ve learned that that intensity, that connection, that passion that got to me when I had my “light bulb moment”… that changes from person to person. It’s always different, there are always different dynamics. Tying one person, putting them in my rope, can be incredibly different from tying the next person. Each person reacts differently, from relaxed and trusting to twitchy and erotically aroused.
Learning rope also led to some unexpected discoveries.
For example, I’m not generally an artistic kind of a guy. But I have seen rope artists do amazing things, pictures that would blow your mind, videos with a terrifying kind of intensity that keep you locked in your seat. And I’ve seen rope art created where there were not people at all, just rope and objects and the environment. I really, really liked it (That said, this is supposed to be about tying people).
I tied a pretty harness for a burlesque show – decorative rope for the win. I’ve tied outfits for parties, and done decorative rope at parties that made for super hot photographs. And I think I’m going to do more.
For me, rope isn’t a fetish. I don’t see someone in rope, and instantly get aroused. I’m attracted to people, specific people. I meet someone I’m attracted to, someone with whom a connection begins to form, and I’m into them. Rope is one of the ways with which I explore those connections. To create connection, explore feelings, fantasies, and hot times.
For me, shibari and skill with rope is just that. A skill. It doesn’t replace human connection, it becomes a vehicle to facilitate it.
However, other people I’ve spoken to often find other things to really enjoy about bondage, rope, and tying people up.
- I’ve heard from people who enjoy suspending others, creating particular forms with the rope and the bodies of their models, and getting a mental high from the skill and the creation of that particular scene.
- I’ve heard people really enjoy the way it’s used to facilitate fantasies; non-consent fantasies, “damsel in distress” fantasies, all kinds of things.
- Some people actually really get turned on by the concept of restraint; even severe restraint. As in they actually get physically aroused seeing someone in a tortuous, difficult, tightly restrained predicament.
And all of these reasons are perfectly good and viable. At the end of the day, we tie someone up to have an enjoyable time. We do it to make the moment hotter, sexier, and because it’s fucking fun.
That’s why we want to tie someone up.
That said, there are more stories, more reasons to tie than just mine or the people I know. If you have other perspectives, feel free to add them in comments. I’ll be fascinated to read them 🙂
Gorilla photo attributed to Tambako the Jaguar https://www.flickr.com/photos/tambako/